mid-life crisis noun an emotional crisis of identity and self confidence that can occur in early middle age
I went to lunch with a friend, a fellow student in her senior year at NYIT and we were catching up discussing our haves and haves not, you know the typical conversation any 20 year old would have at a salad bar in New York City. There was a point in our conversation where we both reached a common census where we were both going through our midlife crisis. To be fair if you’re not going through a midlife crisis every decade or so I have to question your sanity and ask for your recommendation for the best illegal or over the counter drug so I get through life a little more smoothly then the rest of the confused millennials. Here we where munching away at or salads very confused and yet content with where we were in life. Then she bombards me with what seems like a million and one questions.
Realistically it was only a few.
“What do you see yourself doing after college?”
“What do you want to do with your life?”
“You’ve interned a lot, what are you confused about?”
And all I could this was “Well fuck you too mom”.
(Let me just clarify by no means do I curse at my mother. I am a very sane and calm person. Thank you. Please continue reading!)
Now here comes the million dollar question: What am I confused about? I do not know what I want to do with this life. I find it extremely difficult to believe I or everyone for that matter was placed on this earth to do something. Not everyone is meant to be above average or succeed. Some people are supposed to be what I call the middle man, people who float in between the haves and have nots, the above average and below average. The middle man would be the type of people who have all the necessary tools to get somewhere in life and be extremely successful but are content living the average life that they have. These people do not see the benefit in striving for that above average life. Let me explain.
As far as I see there are people in life that are meant to be above average meaning the ones with amazing careers and well paying jobs and the fancy apartments in the city or big houses in the suburbs. It doesn’t matter where these people come from or what race or ethnicity that are. These people defeat all odds and reach this above average this lifestyle.
Then there are people in life that are meant to be below average. People with shitty jobs, making shitty money, living in shitty houses going home to there shitty husbands or wives. And no matter how much money and educational background they have, there life are supposed to be below average.
And then there’s me. A middle man or a middle woman. Someone who comes from a good background has a good education under her belt and an okay job and is content in not sucking on life’s bosom. I’m okay.
I do not know what I want to be or what I want to do or where I see myself in x amount of years and truth be told I am very content working my minimum wage job at a pet store cleaning up dog shit and worrying whether or not I can make it at least one shift without an excited puppy peeing all over for me. I live for these moments actually. As happy as I am getting on my hands and knees to clean up dog shit to get by during college, I can’t help but think what happens next. In this book called life, what is my next chapter? I am graduating in two semesters then what? Im only 20 years old am I meant to be a middle man for the rest of my life?
This cloud of questions is not to say that I do not have wants and desires or dreams. I have goals. I have a bucket list of things I want to accomplish. I dream. But oddly I’m at a standstill. Im floating in between being the happiest I could be and confusion.