Reading Devin’s blog tonight actually kind of inspired me to write about my own experience with coming out and dealing with the pressures of living up to other people’s standards. Three years ago on 4/20/2013 I came out publicly as a gay man on Facebook after struggling for years. Yes, a lot of people thought I was high and honestly I had no idea what I was thinking coming out on that day but it worked out in the end so oh well. However, that’s not really where the story begins. Back in my freshman year of college, way back in 2011, I came out to one of my best friends at the time. We knew each other from church and we hung out all the time. He was the first person I ever felt safe and comfortable enough to tell and when I did he told me that what I was was wrong and cut then cut off all contact with me. I started developing severe anxiety, depression and slowly withdrew myself completely from all of my friends. For years I tried changing myself, trying to “pray the gay away” and fit in with everyone else but nothing ever worked. My depression and anxiety got worse to the point where I often contemplated suicide every night. Every night my eyes would be filled with tears as I plotted out the details of my suicide while also thinking about what to write to my family members to explain the torture I felt everyday. It felt like a piece of me was missing…like there was a huge hole in my heart…and it ached all the time. Years down the road in march of 2013 I told one of my friends that I was gay. I expected him to act the same way as my old friend did but he didn’t. He told me that he still loved me anyways and I remember just breaking down crying, shaking and apologizing. It was the first time anyone ever told me that It was ok and it was the first time i ever felt safe. Slowly I started coming out to more and more people and eventually on April, 20th 2013 I came out on Facebook.
Truth talk right now
I promise i’m not trolling you.I’m posting this again to make sure everyone see’s and knows. This will be the last one
For a long time now i’ve been struggling and when many of you ask me if i’m okay i often brush you off with a untruthful answer. But in truth i’m not…or well i used to not. See for a long time I struggled with a certain aspect of myself that I initially thought was wrong. However, after many years of reflection and heartache i’ve come to accept this flaw. See the truth is….
i’m gay. (if you kind of had a clue congratulations) and some people have known before I posted this.
At first I thought that being gay was wrong and I was filled with so much anger that was normally pointed at myself. The societal stigma that revolves around being gay is so overwhelming that I am able to understand why people like me have the highest rate of suicide among young to late teens. It’s because i’ve been there countless of times before and some days i’m still there. The self hatred that I had flooded over to others and I was just bitter and angry at the future hardships I knew I had to face. But I knew that I had to overcome these hardships not just for myself but for the others who may feel the same way I do.
Now I know many of you out there might disapprove of me or even be disgusted with me, but i’m here to ask that you respect me.
Respect me because I never wanted this life for myself. I never wanted to feel the crippling loneliness and self isolation….the shame…the guilty feeling of disappointing my family.
Many of you know me (well duh were friends on facebook) and many of you know all the times we’ve spent together. I’m the same exact person you knew before you read this post and I will continue to be.
Some of you will probably defriend me and no longer want to be my friend but i’m here to proclaim you that you are irrelevant and that i’m stronger.
I just hope I can give some perspective to the world…
Now that that’s all out of the way let me just say this…I’m not some horny bastard that likes all the guys I know. It’s like me asking you if you like some girl that looks like a fucking horse and has the head to body proportion of a dinosaur. So don’t flatter yourself. Just want to throw this out there because some guys are honestly clueless about this.
Also, my love language is touch and quality time so I can’t help having skinship. It doesn’t mean that I like you. It means you are a friend. k?
If you have any questions for me NO SHAME feel free to ask because it’s not a problem (i’ve heard them all before so dont be ashamed of asking some questions). I’m just not interested in being preached at that what I am is wrong in some kind of theological debate. Come at me with an open mind. If you respect me I’ll respect you and gladly have a theological discussion as well.
Lastly, If you’re out there in the same position as me know that there is someone who understands how you feel and that you never have to go through this alone. You may not want to come out now but know that there is someone you can talk to. I care like any good human being should.
i’m not afraid to cut a bitch if i have to
talk amongst yourselves
Thanks for all the support so far guys it truly means a lot
The amount of support I received was enormous and I was honestly left so speechless. Ever since then I’ve learned how to love the parts of myself that are different and embrace the things I cannot change. Although I still suffer from anxiety I’ve learned how to manage it one day at a time. Thanks Devin for inspiring this post!