Popcorn Lady

Has anyone ever seen Nightmare on Elm Street? The one with Freddy Krueger. If not here’s the synopsis of Mr. Krueger’s tale. He molested a bunch of kids and then the parents of the children burned him alive while he was wearing a Christmas sweater. So after being killed he started haunting the dreams of children. His face is all burnt and he has a glove with knives that he uses to slice and dice the lil youngsters in their sleep. If he kills you in your dream you die in real life. It’s quite a scary concept.

I would rather have Freddy Krueger babysit me and tuck me into bed every single night rather than deal with the Popcorn Lady.

The Popcorn Lady, as she was dubbed years and years ago before I ever had the brilliant idea to apply to the local movie theatre…is hands down the most miserable human being that has ever walked this earth. She doesn’t know why she’s miserable but she feels the need to spread that misery like the plague to all humans she encounters on her miserable path.

Let me explain to you the popcorn process. We get shipped seeds. We then take those seeds and dump them into a bin. Now with a scoop we take the seeds and put them in a small tube container. When that container is filled with seeds we add one scoop of salt and then dump it into the popper. When the seeds have landed, we hit a red button on the popper. That button dispenses the oil. We close the lid and wait for the magic to happen.
Everybody uses the same tube, the same salt scooper and we all hit the same red button for the oil. The same button that dispenses the same amount of oil each time it’s hit…or so we thought.

Popcorn Lady though, apparently knows something we all do not know. First of all the bitch wants a brand new fresh batch of popcorn as soon as she hops off her broom and lands in front of our concession. No matter how recently we just popped it or how completely full the bin is already with popcorn..she wants it popped right there, made to order. Then when it’s popped it’s too salty. Or it’s not salty enough. Or it has too much oil. Or it doesn’t have enough oil. Or it’s too chewy. Or it’s too crunchy…you see where I’m going with this..

She’ll complain and whine and say that if it’s not made perfectly it gives her a bad stomach ache…wah. None of us can make it to her liking on the first try…or the 2nd, 3rd or 96th time…except one of us.

Our concessionist Clara is apparently the Julia Child of popcorn making. Rachel Ray should take notes and Gordon Ramsey needs Ms. Clara in that kitchen alongside with him.

Because, according to Popcorn Lady, Clara is the only one who puts the perfect amount of salt and the perfect amount of seeds mixed with the perfect amount of oil, scooped at the perfect angle to make the perfect bag of popcorn.

“I want Clara to make my popcorn! Where’s Clara! She’s the only one who does it right!” I can hear the voice from miles away and I immediately throw up in my mouth a little.

I once tried to explain to her that we all make it the same…dumb move Marge. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned at this place? You can’t argue with stupid.

“NO YOU DON’T! Don’t try and fool me I know Clara makes it different than everybody here. The only time I don’t get sick after eating this theatre’s popcorn is when she makes it!”

I think that last sentence deserves to be repeated so you can just absorb it all…”The only time I don’t get sick after eating this theatre’s popcorn is when she makes it…” Where to begin.

“First of all you dumb biddy…if you get sick EVERY SINGLE TIME you eat the popcorn…maybe it’s time you STOP EATING THE POPCORN. I’m no nutritionist and I don’t have my MD or anything…but the knowledge I’ve gained in my 22 years on this planet says to me that if something makes you sick…then you just don’t eat it. I have a friend whose lactose intolerant so guess what? She doesn’t drink milk. Crazy concept I know, but maybe it’s something you wanna look into.” This is what I think of course…not what I say.

She actually had me stand and watch Clara make popcorn one time just to “learn how to do it the right way”. So I amused her. I watched every move Clara made when she made the popcorn and you wanna know what I discovered? CLARA MAKES IT THE SAME WAY AS EVERY SINGLE OTHER EMPLOYEE MAKES POPCORN. Nope. Not according to Popcorn Lady. Popcorn Lady says Clara does it different. Clara makes it better and since the customer is always right that can only mean one thing.

Clara has magical powers. She’s a witch..the good kind though of course..who uses her mind to control the oil that comes out stopping it a little earlier than it does on it’s own. She sends magical energy into the kernels that add a flavor to it so magnificent it could never be copied by anybody else. She puts a spell on every customer who eats it that mutates their taste buds to react in such a way that the customer is enamored by the great tasting thing in their mouth.

Clearly there is no other explanation. Clara has powers that mere mortals do not possess. And she doesn’t use these powers to foresee the winning lottery numbers. She doesn’t use these powers to turn paper into cash. She uses these powers solely to make the perfect batch or popcorn so that Popcorn Lady can be satisfied and not get sick.

What a gal..